81 Things That Happened At A Wedding That Screamed “They’re Not Going To Last Long”

Two examples, both times I was working the wedding.

1. Groom was 17 and Bride was 15. In my state, that’s legal with parental consent on the 17 year old’s part, and court consent on the 15 year old’s part. I had no idea until I showed up at the venue.

2. Both adults this time. Bride wants a princess wedding. No problem, she’s been dreaming of this her whole life probably. The groom and most of the groomsmen show up absolutely drunk. The groom had to be helped down the aisle, he was so drunk. At the reception, one of the already drunk groomsmen tried to keep giving me shots because he thought my camera was awesome.

Cousin’s wedding. Big, expensive ceremony and reception at a fancy country club on Long Island because they wanted a “Great Gatsby” themed wedding. I don’t know why they felt that story leant itself to a celebration of love, all I know is that I got yelled at every time I pointed out that this seemed like a bad omen. Turns out, it was just an excuse to create an ostentatious event, which, in my experience, doesn’t bode well for the longevity of a marriage. So, it’s not looking good from the jump.

Cut to their vows, which they wrote themselves. My cousin gets up and starts talking about how the groom seems to like her dumb jokes and how much they both love pumpkin spice, so naturally they should get married.

I turn to my wife and say, “I give ’em six months if that’s all she’s got.” Get a smack on the shoulder.

Then the groom’s turn comes. He starts talking about how often they make each other laugh and *how much they both like pumpkin spice.* Despite writing their vows in isolation…they both came to the same conclusion that bad jokes and pumpkin spice were all they had.

I said, “Nevermind. Three months.”

They were divorced two months later. Turns out they’d never discussed how they’d handle money. Or whether they wanted kids. Or literally anything substantive over the course of their several-year relationship. And they came down on opposite sides of every single issue.

A mutual fondness for pumpkin spice isn’t enough, it turns out.